Tuesday, August 21, 2007

mom's always right

have i lost my mind? why can't i keep it all together? it really shouldn't be that hard to handle things. but for some reason i am failing. i can't remember birthdays, anniversaries, parties i have been invited to, where i put things, ect... maybe my mom is right maybe i am just a horriable, lazy person who only cares about herself. i should be able to remember dates and send people cards or get gifts. i should be able to remember my sister-in-laws bridal shower. i should be able to handle my kids, my housework, my job, and the other things i have to do. why can't i? who knows maybe mom's right. i think today i am going to make a daily schedule and try to stick to it and maybe i can get life in order. so i don't feel like i am falling in the black hole. i need to try harder.

Sunday, August 19, 2007


some people say masks, i prefer shells. i think we all create shells. i dunno why, do we learn to do this or have we been hurt so many times that we have to do this. today i feel like crawling back in my shell and hiding. i know i shouldn't but would anyone really notice? i try to be as open as i can with those that i have allowed to become close to me. i takes a quite a while for me to let anyone peek in on the other side of my shell. since coming to river valley i have met four or five people that i let peek in, should i have done that? today tells me no, i should just keep to myself. you can't hurt or be hurt if you stay in your shell. have you ever come out of your shell and put it all on the line with a person and then they suddenly close up and climb back in their shell with no explanation? it is not easy for me to come out of my shell and share the real me with others. maybe i should stick to what is easy. i know i shouldn't though, christ wouldn't want me to do that. if i hide in my shell how will others see him. i know i need to come out of my shell and let people see the real me. i think i need help. if i come out will people like the real me? i dunno.
i'm not saying someone has hurt me, please don't assume that. all i am saying is i feel like hiding.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Sometimes it takes repeat

i was sitting in the basement of the mckell home today with 2, yes 2, sleeping children. it was 4 and my fourth load was in the dryer and the fifth in the washer and all clothes were folded. so i took a little me time. i put on some crowder on itunes and started surfing the web. the following song was the first in the play list and for some reason was on repeat. so about the sixth time thru the words caught my attention.

I've had enough
to break me in two
to tear me apart
what am i to do
what else can i do

so sing me a song
that we hum a long
at the top of my lungs
i come undone
what else can i do
what can i do

some days don't we all feel this way. lately i have been feeling like my life is a whirl wind of the same old same old at about 100mph with no organization. i need some slow down, some alone time, girl time and organization. i feel like i need a daily routine. i need order so maybe i can get things done so that once in a while i can enjoy my family and my kids instead of trying to make sure everything is done. there is so much to do and so little time to do it. i feel that you have to get the have to's done in order to enjoy and have fun.
i think i am going to try to schedule my days and give each day three chores that have to be done. then i won't have those days that i have to clean all day to get caught up. and if i have only three things to do every evening maybe i can get on the floor and play with my kids more.
the other night ellie and i were playing doctor. we would switch being the patient and doctor. it was so fun to just play with her and not worry about what i had to clean or pick up. we need more play time and less stressed and tired mommy time.
ellie loves to sing. the other night she just started belting out "the whole earth is filled with you glory lord" and that's the only part of the song she knew but she just belted it out. she isn't to the stage yet that she cares what anyone thinks she just likes to sing. i love her and envy her for that. i am always so afraid of what everyone thinks about me. when will i let that go.
sunday in church i thought i am so sick of making sure everyone is happy and pleased i am sick of being quiet but then self took over and well like a turtle i stuck my head back in my shell. it was a nice thought while it lasted.
wow i am full or random self evaluation today, sorry.
maybe some day i won't be afraid of what people think of me and i will be able to speak out and get up in front of crowds without standing there and thinking wonder what they are thinking about me. maybe someday i will be able to approach others instead of spending a year and a half getting to know someone before i can be real with them. maybe actually posting this is the beginning of not caring what others think. a lot of times i pour my heart out in emails or blogs and then never send or post them because i am afraid someone will think i am stupid or i will hurt someones feelings. hmmm

Monday, August 6, 2007

For everyone who has ask.

Yes, Rover is still gone. Come to find out Anna fed him the afternoon he disappeared. She fed him an apple and some jerky. So was he just waiting till we gave in and fed him to take off again, i dunno. Some say he was probably on his way to be alone before he went to doggie heaven. Maybe he doesn't like apples and he decided we didn't have the good stuff so he moved on to someone else. Oh well!

Eli's look alike.

Isn't he cute. I met him in Hungary and I wish I could have brought him home. If he were not in the process of being adopted I would have wanted to bring him home. I miss his sweet spirit.

My Beautiful Babies.

I just love them so much! I think they are beautiful.