Friday, July 6, 2012


A friend posted this as her status on Facebook last night. It so goes right along with the way my heart was feeling and my mind was thinking.

"Jesus didn’t limit his ministry to the four walls of the church. We know that. He was out there fighting injustice and speaking truth to power every single day. He was out there spreading a message of grace and redemption to the least, the last, and the lost. And our charge is to find Him everywhere, every day by how we live our lives."
Michelle Obama

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Will I ever give up the control?

I was reading a blog today and had so many emotions while reading. I went from anxiety to relief and then was crying by the end.
I really related to the last paragraph.

"What I do know is that my expertise is not to be average. In my first years of youth ministry, I had a mentor who told me that the two worst words together in the English language were "good enough." I don't want to be "good enough," I want to be lasting. I want to be stretched beyond being the status quo - and yes, I do realize, that by stating this and posting this, I am setting myself up for something beyond my control. Somehow in the midst of my dilemma, control has something to do with it: on the one hand, I want to control my future trajectory, on the other hand, I want to let go and rely on the Divine to guide me. Thus I find myself in what Robert Benson called "between the dreaming and the coming true" - I sincerely hope what is true for me thrives and swells beyond the average, and who knows, perhaps I'll pen a memoir about it someday..."

I have a hard time thinking I am good enough. I must be though my kids are surviving, being fed, clothed and healthy. There are days when I wish I was good enough. But I also deep inside want to be so much more than good enough.

There are so many things that I feel my heart tugging me to do but I think there are too many times I use the excuse I have small children at home to control what my heart is feeling. There are times that I don't read a book, a blog, or watch a video because I know that I will be moved to do something about it. I find myself going through my daily routine day after day while trying to ignore the bigger issues because I will want to go do something about it.

Don't get me wrong I love my husband and my children. I really wish I have embraced my compassionate heart at a young age and done some of the things that I want to do. I wish I had been in the place that I could have taken a year off between High School and College and I would have taken that opportunity to do my part to change the world. But maybe for now that's something I need to save for when my kids graduate from High School.

I have so many things that deep down in my heart I want to go and do to help others. But I have a problem voicing them and letting go of the control. I control every moment of my day. I can't image the something beyond my control happening because I don't let go and give my control over. The quote above- "between the dreaming and the coming true." I do a lot of dreaming. But I am afraid to let go and see if the coming true will happen. I hope that I can someday let go and rely on God to guide me and just maybe something wonderful beyond my control will happen.

This may not make sense to anyone but I guess it's something I needed to get out. There are so many other things going on in my head that I just can't seem to put into words. I am not a great writer and I am sure Eli will point out all my grammar and spelling mistakes later. oh well.