Thursday, July 5, 2012

Will I ever give up the control?

I was reading a blog today and had so many emotions while reading. I went from anxiety to relief and then was crying by the end.
I really related to the last paragraph.

"What I do know is that my expertise is not to be average. In my first years of youth ministry, I had a mentor who told me that the two worst words together in the English language were "good enough." I don't want to be "good enough," I want to be lasting. I want to be stretched beyond being the status quo - and yes, I do realize, that by stating this and posting this, I am setting myself up for something beyond my control. Somehow in the midst of my dilemma, control has something to do with it: on the one hand, I want to control my future trajectory, on the other hand, I want to let go and rely on the Divine to guide me. Thus I find myself in what Robert Benson called "between the dreaming and the coming true" - I sincerely hope what is true for me thrives and swells beyond the average, and who knows, perhaps I'll pen a memoir about it someday..."

I have a hard time thinking I am good enough. I must be though my kids are surviving, being fed, clothed and healthy. There are days when I wish I was good enough. But I also deep inside want to be so much more than good enough.

There are so many things that I feel my heart tugging me to do but I think there are too many times I use the excuse I have small children at home to control what my heart is feeling. There are times that I don't read a book, a blog, or watch a video because I know that I will be moved to do something about it. I find myself going through my daily routine day after day while trying to ignore the bigger issues because I will want to go do something about it.

Don't get me wrong I love my husband and my children. I really wish I have embraced my compassionate heart at a young age and done some of the things that I want to do. I wish I had been in the place that I could have taken a year off between High School and College and I would have taken that opportunity to do my part to change the world. But maybe for now that's something I need to save for when my kids graduate from High School.

I have so many things that deep down in my heart I want to go and do to help others. But I have a problem voicing them and letting go of the control. I control every moment of my day. I can't image the something beyond my control happening because I don't let go and give my control over. The quote above- "between the dreaming and the coming true." I do a lot of dreaming. But I am afraid to let go and see if the coming true will happen. I hope that I can someday let go and rely on God to guide me and just maybe something wonderful beyond my control will happen.

This may not make sense to anyone but I guess it's something I needed to get out. There are so many other things going on in my head that I just can't seem to put into words. I am not a great writer and I am sure Eli will point out all my grammar and spelling mistakes later. oh well.

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