Saturday, June 9, 2007

Emotional Sunburn

If Eli hadn't been sitting here beside me I would have cried as I read this.

My friend, Jodi's blog entry today.

My Grandma died on my last day of school my eighth grade year. Reflecting upon it I can't believe it has been 17 years. I have been without her for over half my life.
She began living with us when I was 5 and my Grandfather died. She and I were very close. Eli tells me all the time that I need to get over it and I think that he thinks I am crazy because I still miss her. I miss staying up late and watching David Letterman and Dobie Gillis with her. I miss playing dress up with her. I miss her asking the Avon lady for sample lipsticks so we could play with them. But most of all I miss sitting in front of Baskin Robbins in her White Lincoln Continental with Emerald Green Leather Seats. We would all squish into the front seat. We would eat ice cream, she always got Chocolate Almond on a Sugar cone, and watched people go in and out and comment on everyone of them. That is the most vivid memory from my childhood. That and the day that I got on the school bus to go home and knew she had died before we ever left the school. I have so many regrets. Why didn't anyone take me to say goodbye? It's not that I didn't want to like some people think. I ask to go, I really did. But someone was to involved with life to listen to me. Did I know it was coming soon? I hate the fact that she didn't get to be with me during High School or College. That she wasn't at my Wedding or even able to meet Ellie and Silas. Sometimes I wonder what I did to get her taken away from me so early. Why didn't I get to share the most cherished events in my life with someone I cherished so deeply. I miss her badly! Every time I prayed when I was little I prayed that God would heal her and let her walk again. I guess he did but that's not what I meant! But maybe after all it would not have been the same if she could have gotten up and walked around and did everything on her own. I Love her and miss her.
We share the same birthday.

I always think of her on that day, not that I don't think of her on a daily basis but especially on our Birthday. I miss her so much and get so upset that I didn't have her longer. I don't understand why, it's not fair. Please don't say God had his reason, yes I know that but I still feel cheated. I wish she could have been here longer she would have adored Ellie and Silas too. But especially Ellie.

Sorry to ramble, I think my severe sunburn has made me all emotional I could go on for at least an hour.

1 comment:

jodi said...

oh jenn. it seems as if you and i both know what it means to truly 'ache' for someone. i'm sorry you lost your grandmother.

at the risk of sounding crazy, i have to ask: do you ever 'sense' her around you? julie and i have both smelled cigarette smoke in our homes, when no one else is there, and we feel that is grandma trying to get our attention.

i wanted to write my blog entry as kind of a tribute to her, just to let her know what an integral part of my life she still is. i thought i was fine when i sat down to write, but i wept...i mean, truly wept, as i wrote the entire thing.

i just don't think the pain ever completely goes away.