In the past it seems that you sit and struggle with what do I want to live without for 40 days. It's never been like a real sacrifice, like I was doing it because I needed to rid something from my life to see more of Jesus. In the past I have given up things like chocolate, soda, TV, TV between the hours of noon and 4, candy, ect... But did any of these things really make me see Jesus in a different way, spend more time with Him, or become more like Jesus? No not really. Ridding my life of those things really didn't make a difference in my walk with Jesus. As Easter came I found myself along with all of those around me indulging in the very things we had given up.
A couple of years ago Eli and I felt called to take the time of Lent and begin to recycle. We felt that God was calling us to become good stewards of the earth. To this day we still recycle. Did this make me walk any closer with Christ? No well, maybe a tad I did listen to the call to begin to take care of my little part of the Earth that God has given us.
This year I have really been thinking about what to do. I feel like this is my time to step back and fall more in love with Jesus. I have gone through a hard season in the past couple years. I have felt broken, hurt, lonely, betrayed, and empty for a while.
I think that through it all I have made myself numb trying to deal with things. For a while this song really expressed how I felt:
"Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything"
I love Jesus. I know what he has done for me and I am thankful for that. The rest of the words of that song ring so true.
"I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet"
Through it all he was there and I know that but sometime we need to hear that. The words to this song just put a picture to the knowledge that He is there with us. It's hard because even though He was there I didn't feel it. I tried to guard myself so much that I think I guarded my self from feeling Christ's presence. But to think that he was and is holding me! I know that following Jesus is just a feeling. But this is the way I can describe me right now.
This gets me to the here and now. I want to feel like the words in this song:
"My God is not dead
He's surely alive
He's living on the inside
Roaring like a lion"
Wow to feel Christ so boldly.
My prayer for Lent is this
I pray that I will be faithful to spend time with Jesus.
To speak with him constantly.
To seek refuge in Him
To take it all to Him
To rely on Him.
I pray that I will begin to feel Christ Roaring like a Lion.
I need to spend more time on me, on my spiritual health right now.
I want to fall more in love with Jesus.
I want to stop worrying about what others think and just be in awe of Him.
My friend Lilly wrote this in a blog post and it really resonated with me.
"too often i don't take the time to be awestruck by Jesus...i don't focus enough on His glory and His position as King...
so this lent (starting next wednesday btw) i am reflecting on how i might engage the wonder and awe of Jesus in tangible ways."
There is a Starfield song that I hear at youth workers that just really spoke to where I want to be.
"Lover of my soul
I want to tell you
Only you have all of me
I cannot contain my adoration
I'm in love so desperately
No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart
Jesus you have me completely
Every breath I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you
Down upon my knees
I'm lost in worship
Humbled by your majesty
What is there to say
But how I love you
Thank you for forgiving me
No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart
Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you
All I am is yours (all I am is yours)
Only yours
Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love
Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love with you
In love with you"
So how do I go about doing this??
HMMM, good question.
1. Spend time in the word.
2. Pray in many ways.
3. Worship through music (songs really speak to me, I love to sing to Jesus)
4. Have someone that I can trust that will help me.
5. Groups, study, and fellowship
6. Focus on me and Jesus and try not to worry about how others view me. (stop trying to be a pleaser)
"i am reflecting on how i might engage the wonder and awe of Jesus in tangible ways"- I am hoping my friend Lilly will continue to blog about this statement. And maybe share some of the ways that she engages the wonder and awe of Jesus in tangible ways.
So i dunno maybe this doesn't make a bit of sense to anyone but it does to me. So instead of giving up something during this season of Lent I am going to focus on my relationship with Christ. My friend Lilly has really impacted my life. She wrote an article about Shrove Tuesday and Lent and it really spoke to me.
It's amazing the gifts that God gives us to get us to points like this. I am so thankful for the talk in the bathroom and the hug. The genuine I care about you hug that I hadn't received in so long. The hug said more than words ever could. Thanks!
And to my gift with the purple bow, I couldn't be where I am without you! I am so glad that in the midst of the whirlwind that God sent me you. I am sorry I didn't realize the gift I had in you before Nashville.
I am no where near wholeness but I am on the road to healing and restoration. So here we go... I am going to enjoy my pancakes tomorrow and continue on my path to falling more in love with Jesus.
2 comments:
Number 4...I got you covered
Jenn. I think the feeling of walking alone is something that all Christians feel, sometimes. It's natural. It's like that with all relationships, I guess- which makes the one with Christ so much more real for me. Mother Theresa wrote to the Pope about her struggles with this and it's a theme we here in much of Christian music.
For me, often, it come with making myself numb to to other pain in my life. When you start building walls to protect yourself from outside hurt, they also keep out Christ. At least that my feeling.
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